I am a clean person. I like soap, perfume, bath bombs, and all that good stuff.
I don't like bugs, ants, mice, or really any critter visiting us who was not invited.
But folks. But people, just Like Sarah Jessica Parker in I Don't Know How She Does It
we contracted from THE Elementary School...
(When the font is small. It is not so scary.)
The doctor said, "Look for a Nit."
Me, "You can see them?"
Well ya, maybe if you are 22. But, I am OLD. What the hell is a nit anyway?
It is a white dot. It is a tiiiiiiiiny white dot. And, like Whoville to Horton, my girls had the unthinkable
L I C E.
I washed everything in the house:
Then I sprayed everything in the house:
Sprayed the front door.
Sprayed the back door.
Sprayed the car.
Sprayed the nanny.
Then I when nuts about everything else in the house:
I used a loofa on my nostrils to ensure protection from the little bastards
I used a foot sander between my toes just in case they like warm places
I poached brushes until the bristles fell off and handles melted into the pot
I disintegrated a Barefoot Dreams robe when I boiled the crap out of it in the sanitary load
(a no no for fabrics that “don’t like heat” said Customer Service with an attitude)
Didn't matter. I saw them and saw them everywhere:
I saw them on the clerk at sports authority (she totally had lice)
I saw them on the guy in the mustang parked next to me at the red light scratching his head
I saw them on the dog. Yes… she had white dots on her fur! It. Was. An. I N F E S T A T I O N!
CALLED the vet. She explained, “Kelly…. Ms. Ozley... Kelly! Please slow down. The dog does not have lice – lice are species dependent. Me, ”Oh, well okay then fancy pants."
TWICE. I treated myself even though I did not have them.
THREE TIMES. I treated my kids.
FOR GOOD MEASURE. I dumped a bottle of olive oil on each of us for good measure. Oil is supposed to suffocate the little shits. Who knew?
So, what happened when my daughter told the nurse about my overzealous attempts?
I. Got. A. Call.
“This is Ms. Rainwater, the school nurse. Your daughter tells me that you have been treating both girls for lice.”
"Yes I have," I proclaimed - proud of my thorough efforts.
Mrs. Rainwater then suggested I stop.
"Once is enough Ms. Ozley. Repeated exposure to those harsh chemicals can lead to permanent neurological damage."
That was not on the package.