The Apple, The Tree and The Undies

November 13, 2017


They say the apple doesn’t far fall from the tree.  Or does it? It is an understatement to say I am a puzzle to my mother.  I was raised Southern… like way South… A  L  A  B  A  M  A  kinda South.


It's where we love SEC football, biscuits, pickup trucks and BBQ.


I don’t eat meat – much to my mother Judy’s bewilderment and she protests,“Pork is just a lil’ bit of meat - it was only a pig Kelly."


I am over 30.






(WAY over.)





I am not married.  


My mother has added me to the prayer list of every church within a 60-mile radius of her home for this “condition” and she has no idea what in tarnation (tar-na-tion: tärˈnāSHən) happened to me.


Seriously, I don’t even own a deviled egg tray.

AND IT IS MANDATORY for all Southern functions including but not limited too:

  • family reunions

  • showers

  • graduation

  • pig pickins

  • various church services

(Cell phone rings in purse and I frantically retrieve, because it's either work, the kids, or mom.)

“Mom I’m just leaving Whole Foods. Can I call you in a few?” 

“Is that where they have all that New Age stuff, like tofu and kambucha?” 


“Yes Mother.” 


“Well Good God… did you have those yoga pants on again?  You will never find a man if you don’t put on some nice britches and you know you always feel betta with just a lil lipstick on.”


(I pray to myself: Give me STRENGTH!)

“And you know what Kelly…. I been doin’ some thinking about all that exercise you take.  I reckon that is enough on your boobs.  They used to be a respectable size. I just don’t know what happened to 'em.”

(I think to myself: Nothing like a self-esteem boost courtesy of your mother.)


My mother loves to do laundry.  It’s just her jam. But the U N D E R W E A R is an issue.  
“Kelly Lynn what in the Sam Hill kind of panties are these?”


“Mom. What do you mean?”


“I am worn slap out just trying to figure out how to fold 'em. I mean does the triangle part go… well where DOES it go Kelly? Did your Daddy know about paltry panties?"  


“Mom I did not discuss my knickers with DAD! Can you not just focus on the towels?”   


Two Peas in a Pod.YEP. That’s us.


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